The past two years have been really hard to live. The future is non existent again. I really don’t want to be here anymore. Once again I have been told that my feelings are not valid. Im not allowed to feel anything so why am I here? I think Im done. If I cant be allowed to express myself and express all the love I have and all the sadness I have then I feel like why am I even here. This is a public apology to the people I may have offended in exploring my feelings. This is my public apology for living. This is my public apology for all the bad things that have happened to others that have made them sad angry or hurt, even the things I didnt have any capability to fix. If I could have I would have. Im not going to be blogging hopefully anymore. Hopefully I wont be around much longer. I quit. Im sorry. Please forgive me now that I am gone. I cant do this anymore. You have been loved
When I feel alone or I try to disappear
with a white ribbon around my neck-
I’ve probably sent you five texts that day
asking that if you need someone to love
we are the same
timid and graceless
making a home where we
hope the other will listen
The door was left wide open -kh
The stars kind of look like the expression you give
when you start to tear up. It’s an anomalous characteristic
that is all over me -kh
When I watch smoke billow around me is the only time I feel calm.
A safe place.
Some need no consecration.
The way I feel about you is like getting your finger slammed in the door then needing a cigarette.
Unable to fully grip, leading you to lighting your hair on fire.
Somewhere they say is the original spark.
It is there they tell me I will find the answer.
There will come a time I will ask you if I smell like death.
My life might have started to resemble ripped stitches.
Sometimes the world slaps me so hard it feels like I’ve been cut.
This is the reason I wear makeup so thick.
I vomit while laying on my back, the flies lay eggs in my mouth.
Maybe I will choke or my questioning of death will come out as a gurgle.
Suppose that’s the only way I can get you to answer.